It's hard to reproduce the wrap-around ad UCLA bought that came as a faux front page of the paper edition of the LA Times today. But above is my best attempt. The occasion seems to be the campaign to raise $4+ billion in donations (excluding any from Donald Sterling, presumably). But the promises of what UCLA will be delivering suggests $4 billion is cheap compared to what we will get.
1) The mysteries of the universe will be revealed.
2) Alzheimer's disease will be but a forgotten memory.
3) Reliance on fossil fuels will be ended. (Except for the campus's natural gas power generation plant?)
4) Cancer will be cured or eradicated.
5) Teaching will take a "quantum leap". (Do you have to quantum look before you quantum leap?)